Deathly Illness

I’ve never been as sick as I was this past Sunday. We had just met friends and completed an escape room.

We had biked to Stockholm; not the easiest journey and found our way around.  The Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival was happening in Kungstragarden and pretty pink flowers were falling in showers to the ground while lovely music played. So many different aspects of Japanese culture to enjoy behind the Swedish backdrop. We decided to bike a bit further and ended up at a sushi place settling down to eat.

Delicious salmon rolls, avocado and miso soup are always welcome distractions. We had to hurry as we had guests. We had our dinner party then before we knew it, everyone was on their way home.

The next morning on the Sunday, I felt a bit strange. I decided to shake it off and go to a gym class. After the hour of stretching and muscle conditioning, the feeling still hadn’t gone away. I came home and went straight to bed. I started getting hot and cold flashes and a pain enveloped my stomach. I had a pounding headache and I did not want to eat anything for fear that I would throw it back up. A horrid feeling tantamount to pain during a menstruation cycle. I thought I would sleep it off. It wouldn’t get the best of me. I heal easily. Or so I thought. I threw up. I hadn’t done that in ages.

I went in to work to my first class. I stayed for the full two hours but nearing that second hour, I felt a drip at the back of my throat. I knew I was going to be sick. I excused myself not once but twice and felt overwhelmingly at the mercy of my own body’s convulsions. It was the first day back to work after the holiday. I never take off work.

I had to leave for home. Perhaps some sleep would allow it to wear off.

I arrived home, changed into my home clothes and slipped underneath the covers with a hot water bottle. The first ten minutes were fine, then I started retching into the bucket that had been laid beside my bed the night before. The apple I had eaten in the morning was completely rejected. I thought to sleep again and again, I retched. I had to throw myself over to the bucket fast enough to rid myself of that nauseating feeling. Every 5 minutes became every 2 minutes. I didn’t think to call anyone but to lay in my bed and wait for it to pass.

I finally called an ambulance.

I waited two hours in the hospital before anyone spoke to me. I sat with a plastic bag, alone with my thoughts, throwing up and exhausted. Finally, I was put into a room and given an IV. They took samples of my blood and had me change into a hospital gown. They also gave me anti-nausea. I just lay on the hospital bed lifeless and tired. I hadn’t eaten anything since Sunday.

About an hour and a half passed, I felt a bit more energy. A bit more like myself. I’m trying to think whether I felt alone or just devoid of any thought or feeling at this point. I remember laying on that hospital bed thinking of nothing. I wondered why they had taken so long. What if I had passed out from dehydration? At the rate I was throwing up, it felt as though I could start hemorrhaging blood at any second. Maybe having that time to myself caused me to think of my next journey. Where I should be. My next move.

It’s almost Friday. I don’t feel the same as Monday but I am still not 100%. Sickness gives you a lot of time to think or alternately, to discover 100s of new shows on Netflix that you might have never known existed otherwise….to contemplate why you moved to some godforsaken country you never intended to move to …..the various types of tea that won’t make you throw up. I wondered who would be there for me. Who can care for me enough to dedicate their time and effort?

It is now Tuesday May 2nd. My stomach is still rumbling but hopefully, onto greener pastures



There are many changes we go through as individuals where sometimes it is hard to see how far we have come until we take a look back into our past. As I perused old photographs and deleted miscellaneous pictures off my phone and computer, it forced me to think about the past. What has changed and how I have grown, if I have grown at all..and hopefully not exponentially.

I have a list of things I would like to do in life but over the past few years it has been to be settled and happy and still thirsting for life and adventure. It started really at university and then after I graduated university in December of 2007. It is hard to realize that it has indeed been years since that time. I remember orientation or FROSH as it popularly called. We were sorted according to discipline. I was in humanities so the people I met in my assigned group and who were also studying humanities were still people I knew years later.

This comes to mind as I am attending the wedding of one of these dear friends in a few weeks time. I remember her well as one of the first people I met at that orientation at age 17. Time goes by so quickly. Its as if it is on a constant escape to the next grand adventure wherever that might be. I finished my studies quickly. I enjoyed Political Science, English and Womens Studies, subjects that could help me understand how our society is shaped and could arm me with advice to improve it or at least write about it.

When I graduated at 20, I was lost as to what to do. My French was not wonderful at the time but I thought, ”Why not?” And with my parents’ blessing, I went away to Quebec and met all these wonderful people from Paris, Lyon, Montpellier, Belgium, Switzerland, L´ile de la Reunion, places I would have never imagined to meet people from. We would have get togethers and go out. Sometimes we would stay in and eat wonderful food. It was such an international, friendly, fun crowd. A few short months after my arrival, I was speaking an acceptable French and planning with my new friends, navigating Quebecois and French culture; it was a wonderful time in my life. I spent 2 years there more than I thought I would and was able to visit France with locals because of my new French bilingualism and my new friends. I had never lived alone for university, it was different being away and responsible for myself. Sometimes I enjoyed the people I met, sometimes I didnt and I wondered how it could be better. Anyway, I would go into stores and ask questions about items while practicing my French. I would perfect different subjects which helped when people would vary their sentences and ask something in a slightly different way than I had heard it before. I would become very confused and provided a much-needed puzzled look. When I had lived there for about a year, I met a girl who had come over from the South of France to live with her then-boyfriend. We were introduced through a mutual friend and we resulted in becoming quite good friends. I had never met anyone who spoke quite as quickly as she did. She would also write to me in a very colloquial French, not often written to me because I was not so gifted in colloquial French. I found when my mind was becoming less and less stimulated by my environment, this new girl was there ready to brighten me up even though she too was having issues. I remember her never really complaining about her situation. I remember however her as a bright light, loud and smart, always ready to take on the world and unafraid of giving her opinion. Many people underestimated her as being smart but I learned quite a bit from her.

I had not envisioned it would be difficult in Quebec because I was there to figure out what I wanted to do with life but I knew I wanted more out of my time and I wasn´t asking myself enough. I steadily began to get bored after a year and a half. Yet, this was part of my journey, the journey of figuring out where I fit in. I think back and think I could have done more but then I did accomplish quite a bit. I become fluent in French, made wonderful long-lasting friendships and had enough French credits to help me with my next venture.

There was a whole world out there to learn about and experience. Many of my new French friends decided to settle in Canada and not return to France but I, for some reason, had a burning desire to know more, to ask, ”Well, who else is out there?” The truth is Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail. I hate that phrase because I feel it takes the adventure out of things. Sometimes it is a wonderful rule to live by, sometimes not. I think if you are serious about making permanent changes, it comes from preparing for them. I speak from experience when I say that in certain situations, I wish I had prepared for them. I learned to think on my feet but sometimes there were wasted moments where I thought, ”Ok I need a backup plan. I really should have made it before but let’s see what sticks now’

A good example of this is when I went to Paris for the summer in 2012, to fall in love with the city on my own. I suppose it was and still is magical to me because I have this beautiful version of it in my head. I also went there so many times and love the romantic aspects I envision. It doesnt matter what misadventures I had there. I was drawn to it by its architecture. And I know, France and Britain are countries built on the riches of poorer nations but just a beautiful city. I never felt alone there. But there were situations where I could have prepared better there. The purpose though at that time was to enjoy, which I did. I´ll tell the lost in the suburbs of Paris next time

To be continued….






When we think about heartbreak? What is heartbreak?

Is it disappointment? Is it that you expected more? Are you giving more than you are receiving? Are you appreciated and feel appreciated every day?

Sometimes you can have a clean heartbreak and sometimes there is a consistent falling of the heart where you want more out of life, your relationship, yourself and it is cyclical. The cyclical heartbreak is not anymore hurtful than the former but it is consistent. Consistent means long-term effects that affect your daily life and how you function. How can we concentrate on happiness if negativity is always given a front row seat to our lives?

Perhaps some of you have seen Inside Out. It is a children´s movie. However, with all children´s movies, one must realize that they are written by adults. A lovely thing about most children´s movies is that it is meant to teach a lesson; something where we can take away and reflect on what we have seen.

In the film, there are different emotions that play into the different situations we experience in life. Each of these emotions attempts to help the child navigate and understand themselves. As the film progresses what we see is an alienation of sadness. Sadness is pushed into the corner, ignored and alone. Happiness, anger, fear and envy? are left behind to maneuver the individual to feel different ways. However, what we learn later is that every situation demands different emotional maturity as we grow older. We cannot avoid feeling the good without understanding what makes us upset. When we understand what our triggers are or the kinds of things that make us sad, it provides us with perspective and understand so that we may move forward and learn to love the positive aspects of life. We shouldn´t focus entirely on the sadness and negativity but we should understand the role that they play in our lives.

No one can be happy 100% of the time. We have ups and downs and ways that we are pleased or disappointed. When we become stressed or disappointed, what should we do? Do we retreat into ourselves or do we discuss the issue with others for perspective and therefore, afterwards create an action plan of sorts?

How we react to our ups and downs can help train us to be reflective, meditative and happier, positive people. Heartbreak as experienced through life,situations, other people who haven´t a clue how to feed or replenish our souls or to be there. Half of the time, it is about listening to the other party and really hearing them. Responding to what they say and trying to understand perhaps what is not said.

Listen. Meditate. Love

What is happiness?

Everything starts with the relationship to the self. How happy you are in work/relationship/family must first be dealt with by examining ones relationship to what things make them happy

When you think about how happy you are, for many years the question concerned how stressed we were which means that the discussion of happiness became secondary to the problem STRESS

Except can one truly escape stress? No, you cant. You can only learn how best to cope with it. Sometimes people become so overwhelmed and obsessed with what others are doing wrong or how they cannot seem to break free of the rut they have found themselves in, that they invariably result in doing nothing. The stress and the pressure renders them quite feeble and unproductive.

I remember I knew someone who said she couldnt sleep or eat because of her feelings about a certain subject. Her issue was that she couldnt change the way someone was acting. She could not cope well. It was as if someone else was in charge of her emotional state but how is that possible? Can others truly control our emotional states? If we allow them to, yes.

The question then becomes how do we concentrate on the self?

First lesson of the day: Breathe

7 seconds take a deep breath in, hold it for 4, breathe out for 8 seconds

Continue for 7 minutes


What is love?

Is love an undying dedication to another where you live for another and think only of that person?
There is nothing but the beginning and ending of this person
Is it love to feel immense joy and immense sadness because of someone?
Is love when you feel someone is your family or someone for whom you feel nothing but unbridled passion?
Is it someone you make organised plans with or someone with whom there is nothing but spontaneity and carefree freedom?

Is it being saddened by separation and thereby, missing a piece of your whole?

or is it standing on your own and watching your partner stand on their own?

Is it when you feel a part of every aspect of their lives or when you step back and appreciate things they do and ignore the things they don´t do?

Is it love to want to fix someone because it will improve them or is it love to let someone be who they are?

Is it love to constantly fix your problems or should love be easy?

When love gets hard, do you shut yourself off and wait for your partner to wake up or do you become vulnerable and embrace all the issues and problems and resolve them?

Is it love to expect that someone will run after you if you walk away? Is it love to accommodate someone or to let them accommodate you in everyway?

Should you expect something everyday? Appreciation, a touch, a hug or is all love varied and particular?
Is it love to be the support for everyone but yourself?

At what point, is it no longer love but a pursuit of hide and seek?

When you both have so much history and feel disconnected, how do you reconnect? How do you wake up and realize the disconnection has occurred? Or do you make space for yourself?

Should you just do as you want and expect that your partner love you unconditionally or should you go through all your decisions with your partner ?

At what point, does your love beg you to walk away or is it about enduring?

Beautiful thoughts from London, UK

It is interesting having been here a year and to start anew, to rediscover the self when it feels like the self should already have been known before, long ago. To have dealt with the lows and the highs and to feel balance again.

It takes time to understand our true wants and desires and then find how to discover our path in relation to these desires.

I was reviewing the following video with a student of mine about Malala Yousafzai and how, at a very young age, was motivated and passionate about the issue of female education or lack thereof and started to speak about it